Emotional Breakdown=Emotional Breakthrough

Church today was wonderful and a great end to this weekend. I loved Sister Farr's talk. Looking back, it has been an odd week. I wrote a little bit of my feelings on Tuesday and those ups and downs have continued through the week. Thursday I got a call from Dr. Narayanan's nurse saying that Bryce's insurance is not willing to pay for the tests that he wants done at this time. She said that we can try going through his primary care doctor. Another option is if Bryce is in the hospital for something else, they may be able to do the tests then and get it covered that way. I guess we will try through the PC Doctor first and go from there. She also said that they had signed the paper for Make-A-Wish saying that Bryce is at risk and should go sooner. Well, that is great except that it was 3 months ago that we needed that signed! Now he has tests and surgery coming up and I don't know how he would handle being out in the heat and humidity anyway, so we think that waiting until November will be the best option at this time. I don't know. I haven't heard from MAW, so we'll just see what happens with that.

Friday, Sheri came down and watched the kids for me so that I could get out for a while. I didn't realize until I was out, how needed that time was! I hadn't been out of the house (except to throw away dirty diapers or call the boys in) since Monday. Way too long! I just went to a meeting and got some grocery shopping done, but wow it felt good to be "free".

And then Saturday hit! For a couple of weeks we have had a terrible time with ants and a mouse in the house. We have cleaned, set traps, exterminated, used everything that people have suggested and still this week, the ants hit the large pantry. It was more than I could handle. I have this thing about ants. It goes way back to my high school days when I worked for Sno Shack. One Saturday night a co-worker didn't clean the bottles or counters before leaving. So, when I went in Monday morning the place was crawling with ants. Seriously, the front window was black! It took all morning and a good hose to clean the place out. I had ants crawling all over me. I had nightmares for days. Ants gross me out!!! Anyway, yesterday morning I had too many other things going on and so I just closed the door and told John I was done. Then I kind of went into a rant session about God punishing me for something, and how I just can't take anymore opposition and and all that. Looking back, it was really ridiculous, but I think that I had just emotionally had it. He said that maybe we'll see someday that these things were really blessings rather punishments. I just said that I can't see how ants and mice could ever be considered blessings! That night he came home with about 6 different types of ant traps and luckily, it looks like one of them has done the trick. I'll let you know in a few days.

The biggest chore that has been weighing on my shoulders right now is our toy room. We need more room for bedrooms, so we have decided to convert the toy room into William's bedroom. In order to do that, I need to downsize on the toys...a lot! I've been needing to do this for quite some time and a part of me has been so anti-doing it, that I have not been able to tackle it. It's like I have been fighting against myself about this room, which has never really made sense. Well, Saturday morning I decided it just had to be done. I just had to get in there and tackle it! So after lunch, getting kids down for naps, and a bit more complaining about all my stress and opposition and all, I got in there and attacked it. As I dug into the first box of toys, a HUGE realization hit me. The reason that a part of me was dreading this job so much, was because deep down inside, I knew it was going to hurt. I didn't realize it consciously until the moment I picked up a toy that I had bought only months before, specifically for Bryce. At that time he was able to use it on his own. To push the buttons and stack the blocks. He no longer can. As I held that toy, I could not hold back the tears any longer. And as I continued through that box of similar toys I just cried and cried. Then I realized that I had to let go. Keeping those toys closed up in that box is not going to make Bryce able to use them again some day. Sure Annalise can use them now and I did keep a few out for her, but those toys were bought specifically with Bryce in mind hoping that he may somehow be able to play like all other 2 and 3 year olds. Many of the toys he was only able to use for a short period of time and some, not at all. Bryce has his ups and downs. Some days he can hold himself up a little better, or reach his arms out a little better, but I know that until a cure is found for whatever is causing the regression in his body, he will not "get better". He will not be able to play with toys the way other children do. He will not be able to walk, run, kick a ball, swing, and talk like other children do...no matter what I do...and that makes me sad! So as I sat there in the toy room, going through this box, and crying, I realized that I had to let go of them and that finally I was able to. (Most of them anyway! =) Somehow that breakdown from the week, which led to the breakthrough which led to another breakdown made it possible for me to continue on and tackle the rest of the room as well. It was amazing actually how quickly it went after that and how much easier it was to throw away, or pack away for the yard sale, toys that are just not used by my kids anymore. Of course, I kept things that they still use, but it sure felt good to finally get in and organize the room that has been haunting me for weeks!